Philosopher-King and Web Master
Excerpted from the North American
Field Guide to Film Critics:
The Carlo (woppus giganticus):
The Carlo aspires to recognition as a great hegemon of cinematic
critique, but usually finds its niche as a shifty-eyed site administrator.
Composing diatribes in its ratty paper-lined lair, the Carlo expends
great energy quixotically scheming to topple the bloated ranks of
the Hollywood hierarchy. Not possessed of a lengthy attention span,
however, the Carlo can instead often be found consuming unhealthy
quantities of cheese.
Carlo Cavagna has been a member
of the Online Film Critics Society (OFCS)
since June 2000.
Curly-Toothed Nawab; Uvula Pendragon
You may be wondering what a handsome
man like Jeff is doing writing movie reviews. The truth is, Carlo
kidnapped Jeff's brother and threatened to shoot him unless Jeff
agreed to contribute to AboutFilm.Com. After some soul-searching,
Jeff agreed on the condition that Carlo mail him his brother's left
index finger to prove he was all right. When Jeff received the finger
in a plain envelope the next day, he knew he was dealing with a
straight-shooter. (If you look closely, this entire site is a palindrome!)
Jeff's hobbies include air guitar, stacking things on top of one
another, and eating flapjacks. A tasty flapjack would sure hit the
spot right now, wouldn't it?
Jeff has been a member of the Cinemarati
since May 2002.
Director, Design Consultant, and Occasional Contributor
Dubbed the quiet one, Claudia is able
to form, yet is reluctant to speak, multi-syllabic words. She keeps
the wheels of the AboutFilm boards greased with stealth-like efficiency.
Often told she was all wet growing up, Claudia took that as a compliment,
not to mention her natural state of being as she practiced the glamorous
yet decidedly unsissy sport of synchronized swimming. Yes, Esther
Williams was her idol! Destined to live the Lifestyle of the Rich
and Famous, she has many champagne wishes, not the least of which
is sharing a bottle of vintage Veuve Clicquot with George Clooney.
Until then, she remains sequestered in sleepy Silicon Valley, where
she splits her time designing web sites, watching movies, and, after
years of sun and chlorine, searching for the perfect shampoo.
Cómplice en Crítica
Raised in an extremely conservative
environment, Erika started a grade school underground film/video
exchange network called WNWTC ("We're Not Watching This Crap")
for kids like her who were only allowed to see G-rated movies. The
network collapsed after two weeks, because everyone was seven years
old and had no money. She then made it her life's mission to study,
teach, and write about "what the big people were hiding from us."
Erika divides her spare time between trying to get the theme from
Shaft out of her head, and insisting that she is NOT related
to Laura San Giacomo, Christina Ricci, Nora Jones, or Helena Bonham
Erika has an M.A. in Television/Film
and teaches Film Studies at Irvine Valley College.
Luminous Sub-Chief Potentate and Grand High
Alison has a great many
names and feet that just reach the floor. Her primary pursuits include
making lists and peppering her conversation with humorous small
mammals. Reknowned for her lack of a fixed habitat, she has a range
of the Mid-Atlantic seaboard and northern California with an annual
winter migration to southeastern Texas, though there were reports
of sightings as far away as New Zealand in 1990. Feeding primarily
upon Mexican food and chicken Caesar salads, her great ambition
is to teach the world to yowl in cacophonous dissonance. She hopes
to one day run a pickle orchard and raise up a herd of champion
truffle-snuffling squid. She guarantees that the answer to what
ails you can often be found at the movies.
An English childhood deprived of all
Americana except the first eight bars of the Starsky and Hutch theme,
a bizarre Sun-In accident that coincided with the release of Top
Gun, and the absence of more productive inclinations meant that
Dominic misspent his youth making wakka-wakka noises on his guitar
and aping Val Kilmer's look du jour. Inspired by seeing Fort
Apache--The Bronx for the 37th time, Dom emigrated to New York
City in 1993, just in time for Guiliani-era Disneyfication. An incurable
addict of non sequiturs, Dominic's command of Romance languages
extends as far as kitchen Spanish, menu French and Serie A Italian,
drawing praise from the National Pork Producers Council for his
insistence that any recipe can be improved by adding double-smoked
bacon. To conserve energy in his leisurely pursuit of high culture
and the procurement of pork products, Dominic lives just two blocks
from the Brooklyn Academy of Music and his favored carniceria,
so expect reviews of Frantisek Vlácil retrospectives and "Bacon
of the Month" tips. Emerging relatively unscathed from a Willow-inspired
bad hair nadir, and drawing the line at Kilmer's Fat Elvis period,
Dominic now sports a look best described as "hungover John Ritter."
Frances Nicole, otherwise known as
Frankie, once took an online quiz that labeled her as avoidant and
dependent. Then, later on in her life, she took an online quiz that
claimed her perfect celebrity match was a particular young actor
whose looks she cared not for. Since then, she has firmly believed
online quizzes to be the work of the Devil, as well as butterflies,
suspension bridges, go-go music, and the new "Dexter's Laboratory"
cartoons. The reasons behind her collaboration with AboutFilm.com
are unknown, though she would like to attribute it to her amazing
ability to render stick figures, Art Nouveau style. When she is
not repeatedly going over the lives of young wizards, whiny hobbits,
ill courtesans, untalented schoolboys and doomed Mafia bosses, she
likes to head bang to loud Bernard Herrmann music with a much shaken
bottle of soda in one hand and a large bottle of apple juice in
the other. One day, when she is older and wiser, she will dominate
the filmmaking industry. Until then, all she wants to do is buy
a new Bible.